WARNING - this is a BLOG! That means it is private and you may find some things offensive.

Probably not. But I thought it best to warn.

July 15th, 2007

Saw this ad today.

Poor girl.

Good thing she has that old lump of grey crap to help her attract men.

What would she do otherwise?
Probably become a nun.
And as for the men, sorry guys but offering to show a bikini model your collection of rocks is generally not considered a good pick up line.
Seriously though, what brilliant marketing director thought of putting a photo of an unbelievably hot bikini model next to a lumpy grey rock and then telling people that it's the rock that's known for causing attraction.
In fact this could be a question on an employment screening IQ test.
"Which one of these two items is known for causing attraction?"
"The...errr....the gir...NO! THE ROCK....the rock?"
"YOU FAIL! I'm sorry Mr. Smith, we wont be calling you about the job. We do however have a position opening up in our marketing department that you might be suited for."

July 7th, 2007

Hi all.
I apologize for the lack of posts in this blog lately but I have been covering for William Gibson on his blog while he was away on vacation.
You may not have known that I was a ghost writer for Bill but there it is.
The man needs a vacation once in a while.
You may not be aware of it but I also wrote "Idoru" and a good chunk of "All Tomorrows Parties" as well.
Guy goes on a lot of vacations.
Fine don't believe me. The truth is I've been in a bit of a creative slump lately.
Creative slumps are unbearable for only one reason.
I don't mind the part where I am not able to paint or draw, I don't mind having difficulty with my job (graphic design), but I hate not being able to write.
Today is a good day. It's Saturday, sunny, I'm going for a bike ride and I finally posted a story in my blog. (Dated June 16th - Read below)

June 16th, 2007

Derek and I recently returned from a road trip to California down the Oregon Coast.
(photos coming soon)
I wrote one blog entry during the vacation on our first morning in our Cabin in California.
I know, two weeks of vacation and only one blog entry, it's the height of laziness.
As it happens, that was the goal of our vacation.
To summit the Dizzying Heights of Laziness and hang about there for a bit drinking beer.
Now that we are back into the valleys of real life again,I can actually post it:
If life has taught me one thing it is this; beginning one's day fortified by a decent cup of Joe, one can face any challenge. This particular morning Derek chose to prove my theory with a cup of french pressed, dark roast Guatemalen. We arrived at our cabin at Shasta lake yesterday early evening letting Emma off leash to explore around the cabin and sniff out all the critters.
The little bitch neglected to inform us of the rattlesnake lying in wait beneath our front porch to the immediate left of the door. I noticed it this morning as Derek walked toward it.
I cried out the alarm "SNAKE!" as his exposed and vulnerable, Chako clad footsie came with in 2 feet of the cold blooded creatures slit eyes and deadly bite thus saving my poor husbands life
(no need to thank, all in a days work)
With the speed of a Russian Spetsnaz (aided by the Dark Roast Guat) he grabbed his shovel and cut off the vile things head.
Yuppie to redneck in 3.5 seconds.

May 6th, 2007

Please excuse my brief outburst of despair in the previous post. I am feeling a little pent up frustration regarding certain issues (surgery and what not). You know how you always say, "One day I will look back on this and laugh." Well as soon as that day comes, I will blog about it in all it's gory details. Good news is, things are looking up and that day should be coming pretty soon. Until then, the occasional colourful outburst may be unavoidable. Again, my most humble apologies.

When the fuck ever, 2007

I feel as though I might explode. Anyone feels the same please feel free to pop over for a cup of tea. e-mail.
UPDATE: I received a reply! An e-mail from one 'helen platt':
'I also feel as though I might explode. Perhaps we are the only two in the universe.'
There is someone out there...

Sometime in April, 2007

Side note. I have the best sister in law ever.

April 3rd, 2007

Surgery Report. I had my surgery last Thursday and I promised funny surgery stories. Thing is about surgery, turns out it's not all that funny. Strange that.

March 23rd, 2007

I know, I have been neglecting the blog again.
Never fear! Have surgery next week.
Surgery is always good for a few stories.
I would rather have vacation stories but, you know, surgery is a good runner up.
The surgery involves girlie things which is what this entry is about.
Girlie things.
So if you don't want to hear about girlie things, I advise you to skip down to an earlier entry.
Girlie things commencing in ...3...2...1
So my surgery is next Thursday.
The official name of the surgery is "Meddling With Girlie Parts Of An Unconscious Girlie" otherwise known as "Inappropriate Touching"
I am trying not to think about it too much as the whole ordeal is rather horrifying to me. Especially the needle bits.
During the surgery, my doctor thought it would be a good idea to insert an IUD, you know, while she is down there meddling anyway.
She wrote a prescription so that I could purchase the three-hundred-and-fucking-fifty dollar IUD beforehand and bring it with me.
Great.
I received a call today that it was in and I could come to pick it up.
Fabulous.
I drove down to the Pharmacy immediately. Lined up. Gave my name to the Pharmacist.
For those who don't know what an IUD is, It stands for Inter Uterine Device. It is supposed to be a teeny little device that fits discretely inside the uterus and fixes all sorts of problems.
Trouble free.
I had my first sign of trouble when the pharmacist reached down with both hands and a back brace to retrieve the device.
The package measured 1 inch by 5 inches by......EIGHTEEN INCHES long.
WHAT?
I gaped! I was gob smacked.
I laughed. She laughed.
I said. "Errr, I only need one."
She said, "Well, this is only one."
I said, "Do you know what this is for?"
she said "Yes I do. It's because it comes with an applicator."
I said "we're not harpooning a whale here."
I read the package, " IUD and IUD launching system"
...launching system.
They need a whole system?
Rocket assisted launching system?
I visualize the surgical team behind a barrier shield 20 feet away...counting down...Device aimed toward unconscious, prone girlie with legs spread ....and prepare for liftoff in 10, 9, 8....
Jesus, I'm starting to sweat.
I began to laugh ...hysterically.
They began to laugh, heartily.
I flip the package over and scan for warning labels.
Warning: This package contains a 250 PSI firing device. Do not aim toward eyes. Wear goggles and safety gear when using device. Do not attempt to use device while intoxicated.
Well, I bought it and opened it up to read the instructions when I got home.
..."Remove safety pin. Move activation collar to ON position. Verify LED illuminates or flashes"...
People, I am beginning to feel a little apprehensive about this.
Stay tuned, next blog update... the surgery.
What a cliff hanger!

March 13th, 2007

It's been a while since an update and I have noticed my visitor numbers slowly dropping off. It's been an incredibly dull month so you should be glad, at least, I didn't bore you all to death by writing about it. The only noteworthy events over the last 4 weeks were getting the flu and spraining my ankle trying to look at the bottom of my shoe for dog poo. DON'T ASK! Happy to report - no dog poo. If things don't spice up soon I shall be forced to fabricate some kind of drama in my life. I have to go in for surgery in 2 weeks. I shudder at the thought. No more on the topic! I will write more when something interesting happens.

February 19th, 2007

Cool pic of Chinese New Year in Vancouver, taken by my friend Cam.

February 16th, 2007

Gung Hei Fat Choi everyone!
It is the Chinese New Year this weekend and the New Year of the Pig.
I was born in the year of the pig.
Why Pig?
Why not, year of the Swan?
Year of the Sleek Sexy Black Jaguar?
Year af the Magical Fire Breathing Dragon.
Anything but pig.

Ah well, that's what beer is for. Chinese New Year in a bottle.
...oh wait, i said that yesterday.
I have a problem.

February 15th, 2007

Received an e-mail from a friend in England today. He read my blog, unlike my heartless family in England who never read my blog (Yes Nick I mean you).
I understand though.
It's hard for them to leave the pub. If we had any decent pubs in Canada I wouldn't spend half the time I do on the intertubes.
Now for the recap of Valentines day. As you may know, our dog Emma had her surgery a few days ago and she can't be left unattended.
Which left us with myriad options, and after much deliberation we decided upon a romantic getaway to....wait for it....the nearest A and W drive-through!
Which is just like In and Out burger except with more salt added to make up for the inferior quality.
Ah well, that's what beer is for. Valentine's Day in a bottle.
Was that depressing?

February 13th, 2007

Well it's two hours away from Valentines day.
The day when we all pay $6.95 CND plus tax to Hallmark to tell 'them' how we really feel because we just can't seem to find the right words.
What if Hallmark cards actually did say what we really feel.
"I love you but I wouldn't mind having a go at your sister."
What? That's not what it said in the store!
I met Derek in January 2000.
A month later on our first Valentines Day I gave him a homemade card.
A picture of a real human heart (from a surgery page) with a drawn arrow through it.
I think he figured out then I'm not the romantic type.
He bought me my first real bike. A skookum roadie OCR. Guess I made quite the impression.
Seriously, I don't mind Valentine's day. Any holiday that involves me getting chocolate (or bikes....or both) is okay by me.
Emma had her surgery.
The limpy footsy surgical procedure. It was pretty good timing because she also just learned to open the refrigerator and help herself.
Seriously.
Video coming sometime in the next week.
This will get on cuteoverload for sure.

February 8th, 2007

I had my cello lesson today.
During the lesson I mentioned a story from my blog which led my cello teacher to inquire about the nature of this blog.
He then requested that I never name him in the Blog to which I assured him that I most certainly would not.
I respect peoples privacy and if ever an event happened at the cello lesson which was blog worthy (like today), I should be sure to use an anagram of his name.
So I will.
The anagram is Brain Mix. (You see Brain? and you thought I couldn't think of one. Tsk tsk. Man of little faith.)
Note to readers: asking me not to do something is like poking a bull with a sharp stick in hopes that it will calm down.

February 2nd, 2007

Okay that took a little longer than expected. What? There were a lot of photos!
Click here to view the Stanley Park gallery.
I have included comments with the photos.
As Borat would say "Wow woo wee wah."

January 24th, 2007

Hint for the evening:
Do not open your freezer door with freshly washed hair.
I froze the back of my head to the inside of my freezer door tonight.
STOP LAUGHING!
I am only telling you out of kindness to save you from inevitable future pain, as this type of thing is bound to happen to everyone. At least once. We walked around Stanley Park yesterday. It's the first time I have seen the damage since the windstorm. Photos coming tomorrow.

January 15th, 2007

Darn it.
I read my friend Lock's blog again today.

(I read his blog which makes him my friend even though he may not always be aware of it. C'mon it's 2007, half of my best friends are unaware of the deep and committed relationship we have.)
Everytime I read his blog it inspires me to write more in mine.
Okay, not just write more but write more honestly.
This is supposed to be my journal afterall. Ex Animo and all that crap.
Honesty and openness... here I go.


You know, there's no way Lock's family is aware of his Blog.
Mine is fully aware.
That get's me off the hook right?
Alright, I have issues!
Good thing I have so many of you friends out there reading.
Right?
Friends?

January 14th, 2007

So my titling experiment had the opposite effect.
Instead of enticing readers to stay longer and read more, a greater number of people were spending less time reading my blog, during the time I had the risque title at the top of the page.
I believe this is due to a factor I hadn't considered.
The NSFW factor.
That is 'Not Safe For Work' for those of you who don't read Fark.
Or better explained as the MWWKMAISCMRT factor, or 'My Wife Will Kick My Ass If She Catches Me Reading This' factor.
Regardless, I am abandoning this avenue of experimentation as I feel my new line of experimentation which involves chocolate will be far more beneficial.
Results coming forthwith.

January 11th, 2007

10 sure fire ways to get any woman to have sex with you!

I realize to some readers, it may appear I am stooping to an all time low, resorting to using a title like this.
(for those looking for the 10 sure fire ways, keep reading, I won't let you down)
For the rest of you who are rolling your eyes at my new and brilliant scheme, this may appear to be an act of desperation but I will have you know that I am performing an experiment of great value.
A few days ago, as you know, I installed Google Analytics.
It has come to my attention that a large percentage of visitors stay less than ten seconds, which means they are either stupendously fast readers or illiterate.
There is a slight possibility that it is due to a deficiency in my cool batrachian graphics or dazzlingly entertaining content.
However slight the possibility, I must address it.
Now, you understand the necessity of the title.
Experiment: observe the effects that different titling has on the stats and modify my content to suit.
For those of you hoping for ten sure fire ways, who are at this point feeling a rising sense of disappointed and disillusionment do not despair! I really am working on it. Wracking my brain. I realize, being a woman myself it should be an easy one for me to figure this out. The illegal ones are easy, it's the legal ones that are giving me some trouble.
The good news though is that if it really is a sure fire way, you wont need ten will you, you will only need one.
It's just that ten sounded so much more exciting.
That makes the job one tenth as difficult as it sounds.
If this title has no effect on my readership, I shall have to resort to imitating famous people from Star Trek.
Again.
Now on to the journal bit. Here is a brief run down of the past month:
Enki and I finally got married. On November 30th.
We left for our honeymoon to Jamaica on December 1st.
I am sure you all can't wait to hear all about how great our vacation was while you were all stuck at home in a snow storm. Well you wont have to wait long, but you will have to wait. We are putting our usual vacation website together with shocking photos and scandalous stories and it is almost ready. I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise.
Real estate prices are finally starting to drop in Vancouver. So hopefully we wont have to pay sixty million dollars for a garden shed.
Emma caught a Skunk. Tasty tasty skunk. I have not the words.
I think 2007 is going to be an interesting year. That sounds like an ancient Chinese curse, "May you live in interesting times." I am hoping for good interesting not plague of frogs interesting (despite the graphics).
It started off well, Smokie came to visit and to the Rant Radio meetup which went very well I might add.
Also, I ran into a friend that I haven't seen in 17 years. Very cool. He's the kind of friend that is a pleasure to run into after 17 years, not the kind that makes you panic, run in the opposite direction, commandeer the nearest vehicle which happens to have a blue handicapped sticker in the window, hurl the occupant out onto the sidewalk and drive home in an evasive manner to be sure you weren't tailed.
Oh, come on, give me a break, that happens!
sometimes.
Got homemade beer in the mail from our friends Heather and Dave. You really don't have friends until you have friends that send you homemade beer in the mail.
On a side note, regarding the Google analytics:
There has been a noticeable lack of visitors from England. Being that I am from England originally and my whole traitorous and uncaring family still live there, it really makes no sense. Has anyone heard about England being cut off from civilization for the past week? Countrywide blackouts? Alien invasions? Anything? Hmmm. I may have to write some nasty letters.

January 8th, 2007

Okay.
There is something very wierd and creepy going on.
I just installed google analytics. Yes, yes I know, took me long enough. Okay whatever.
The thing is I had assumed that this was my secret little space on the web and that nobody knew I was here.
There. Are. People.
Reading.
You know who you are.
Crap.
Okay, don't panic!
I can get through this....err okaaay, erruuum in todays news... I mean, Hey! look over there! it's Fark!
Dang. Okay look, I am really not prepared for this okay? I hadn't really planned on entertaining today.
I had started my super secret blog entry for today and now, now what am I supposed to say?
Ahhhgg! Errr LOOK SOME FOOD ON A DOGS HEAD! More coming tomorrow.

January 6th, 2007

Okay, I am a neglectful blogger, I know it.
I wouldn't blame anyone but myself if my entire readership abandoned me and my blog in protest to my laziness.
That would require me to first get a readership that read my blog faithfully.
Darn. Have to do something about that. Time for a new scheme.(ideas percolating).
Anyway, I am dashing out right now to go to the Rant Radio meetup downtown. I think that might involve beer in there somewhere.
I have lots to tell, lots happened in December, I will be writing a novel tomorrow.
Promise.

November 17, 2006

Wow, has it really been that long since an update?
It has been a busy month.
I had a lot of laundry.
Actually, big news, Derek and I are finally tieing the knot!
After 7 years of waiting, my parents collapsed with shock. Literally.
On the phone, my dad said “’ang on, I’ve got t’ pick meself up off the floor. Mum! ye daughter’s getting married! ‘ang on, I’ve got te pick ye mum up off the floor.”

I planned the wedding one day last week then informed Derek he was marrying me via instant message. At the time I thought, how cool and nerdy of me! But then Brittany ruined it by divorcing K-fed via instant message and now it just seems trashy.
Darn Brittany, she always ruins things.
Just remember everyone , I did it first!
I’ve been shopping a bit lately. In my books, an impending wedding warrants a little self indulgence.
Okay a lot.
I’m not a stereotypical heel donning, french manicured, coiffured kind of girl but even so, I could do with an image update.
Embarking upon this quixotic quest, my first task was take inventory of my make-up bag; I found it sadly wanting. This called for a quick trip to the local drug store make-up aisles, an LSD trip of powders, lotions and myriad palettes containing every colour visible to the human eye (and some that aren’t).
I found a tube of lipgloss which promised lips like Scarlett Johansson.
It’s actual marketing claim guaranteed lips exactly 41% plumper.
Scientifically proven.
Let's see, my lips being about 1cm wide each would mean I have to layer on more than 4mm of gloss in order for the claim to be true.
If you wanted 41% bigger lips you could always get someone to punch you in the mouth.
Out of a twisted sense of curiosity, I asked the sales girl how this could possibly work.
She answered. “My minimifidian friend, it certainly works because somebody explained it to me once.”
“What did they say?” I ask.
“I can’t remember but they explained it so it works.”....
Well then, there you have it.
Let me ask you, if they really could sell you a little bottle and paintbrush of a substance that guaranteed a 41% increase in size, do you really think they would be selling it for lips?
So anyway, I bought it. Shut up! It’s a nice shade of pink!
p.s. I'll be posting wedding pics in a couple of weeks.
p.p.s. We have had 2 weeks of torrential rain and flooding in the lower mainland and yesterday they warned everyone to only use bottled water in the biggest water advisory in the history of BC. The tap water literally looks like mud.
Of course, I drank an entire glassful and only upon filling my second glass did I notice the muddiness and miasma of noxious fumes, scream, drop the glass and claw in futility at my throat.
That was yesterday.
Nothing bad has happened yet, but this morning when I woke up, I forgot and groggily made my way to the kitchen to down yet another glassful (repeat: screaming, dropping, clawing). I'm not talking juice glass, I'm talking Defcon pint glassful.
If I don't die, all can assume the water is safe.
Glad to be of service.

September 25, 2006

I've been working on the Hiking Club website.
Here is the official announcement:
Here For The Beer Hiking Club
No time to write today, heading to the coffee and tea expo.
Then to the travel agents to book our vacation.

September 20, 2006

There's been torrential downpour going on all week.
I've also just finished reading Catcher in the Rye.
Nothing like a little J.D. Salinger during a 72 hour torrential downpour to dampen ones spirits.
I felt I should read the book to find out if I am ever going to assassinate anybody.
It's an important thing that everyone should know about themselves. Imagine the shock of being caught unawares.
I just finished it.
Now, it's a matter of waiting, and watching as events unfold. Or not, as the case may be.

 
Nothing so far.
 
Other than my normal brand of Crazy™ and a general feeling of misanthropy when thinking about cable companies...
 
Nope, nothing.
 
Darn, I was hoping for a new movie about me. “The Mancunian Candidate”.
 
In other news...
We had the "last Hike of Summer" this weekend. Everyone came out to Deep Cove with us for a hike to the big rock and an evening of drunken debauchery at the local pub, The Raven.
It was great fun. Nobody fell off the 300 ft. cliff and that makes it a success I say!
I have posted some pics taken by my good friend Cam, a very talented photographer albeit mentally deranged.
These pics are mostly here for the benefit of those who didn't show up for the purpose of driving them mad with jealousy.
We are clearly a bunch of very cool people.
And you weren't there.
What do you think that makes you then?
Good thing we are having another one.
I will be creating a new page to this blog soon. The page will contain upcoming hike details (time, location, maps etc.) I will hopefully have a ‘sign up for hikes/e-mail updates’ page.
I will also post photos of past outings on this page. They wont all necessarily be hikes, in winter we might go skiing or snowshoeing, or just skip the whole outdoors part and get right to the drunken debauchery part. I am also open to suggestions.
We need to think of a name for this group. If you have any suggestions e-mail me.
Must be off now... feeling a strange urge to fondle my gun. Later.

September 14, 2006

I rode up Mount Seymour again today.
damn it.
I scared myself silly with that stupid story I wrote in yesterdays blog.
I was utterly alone up there today, jumping at every leaf that fell and twig that snapped.
The sky was black with clouds and there was very little light in the forest which made it even worse.
Well at least it was raining.
Sasquatch don't like rain,
 
do they?

September 13, 2006

I rode my bike up Mount Seymour today.
It's a beautiful fall day, sunny but the air is cool.
I love riding in the forest alone.
Incase anyone reading this has never been to BC, here is a satellite view which gives a good idea of the size of the rainforest.
The image only shows the bottom corner of BC, you will have to imagine that the wilderness continues on and on all the way up to the Yukon and NWT. Leaving the fringe of civilization into the vast North Shore Rainforest can make you feel more alone than anywhere else in the world.
Every year visitors to the province leave for a day hike into the mountains, inexperienced and unaware of the dangers, they are never heard from again.
 
It's windy today.
Golden sunlight filters through the treetops.
It's fall now so the leaves are turning and the pine needles fall thickly through the air like amber coloured confetti.
It's a steep, steady climb. My heart is pounding so loudly now I can hear it.
I haven't seen a single soul in half an hour.
My skin is tingling.
The wind is stronger up here. The tall pine trees bend and groan. The very tops, some 100 ft tall shudder and sway, branches colliding and snapping.
They are the only noises other than my heart.
I keep pedaling. My legs are tired.
I know I am alone now, I never see anyone come up this far.
The trail is closing in, branches are scraping my arms and legs.
The trees are moving.
Shuddering.
There is a legend here about shaking the trees.
It was first told to us by the indigenous people. They said, "Don't ever, ever shake the tree branches when you are alone in the woods." The legend tells of something in the woods, of people who go missing. Something that watches for the tree tops swaying. The legend is old but there are many new stories, many people go missing every year.
Several years ago, a young man left for a hike alone. He had his cell phone with him for emergencies.
At the end of the day, heading back he realized that he was lost. He wandered another hour until the light was dimming.
He tried calling out for someone to hear him but of course, he was miles from anyone. Realizing he would need help, he called his sister on his cell phone. That far into the forest, reception isn't as good, the line broke several times during the conversation.
Of course no one would ever hear his side of the story, but his sister told people of the phone call.
He had stopped to remove a rock from his shoe.
He leaned against a tree branch to remove his shoe.
You can imagine how the tree would sway.
Sometimes when you grab a tree branch you can cause the tree to sway right to the top. The pine trees are so tall you can see the tops for miles.
She told how her brother saw something in the trees. Covered in dark fur, at first he thought it was a bear, but it walked upright as a man.
It was far too large to be a man. Maybe 10 ft tall.
It was getting closer. Hiding behind trees. Moving from tree to tree.
He called out to it. The light was dim and he couldn't see well. It was much larger than a bear.
He thought he saw it's eyes; they were watching him.
He sounded short of breath, panicked.
He thought he saw it's teeth.
The last thing she heard were her brothers screams. That's the last anyone heard of him.
Don't ...ever ...shake ...the trees.
 
I'm climbing alone.
The treetops sway.
 
 
nah, I'm just messin' with ya.
Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things that can kill you in the BC forests but it's unlikely that it will be a sasquatch.
That's all for today. Nighty night, sweet dreams.

September 12, 2006

Listening to Apocalyptica (one of my fav. bands) this morning reminded me what a cello is supposed to sound like when played, which is precicely what I don't sound like when I play. My lessons start again in a week and I haven't played in a month!
I just finished my cello practice.
Plugged in (electric cello) amp cranked up to 11 (to remind the neighbors of what they have been missing all summer) I played the Imperial March (Darth Vader) while laughing maniacally.
What? Me, insane?
That's perfectly normal behavior.
It's cathartic.
You should try it sometime.
My fingers are sore now.

September 11, 2006

Fear not dear readers, you may continue on in confidence that you will not be subjected to rehashed stories of a particular news event which I shall not mention. If, in the unlikely circumstance, you were actually hoping to read about nine-ele...oops I mean this particular unmentioned event, may I redirect you immediately , where you can get your fill of patriotism at it's cheeziest.
Now, on to my life, which is far more important than any silly world events.
It's been a busy couple of days for me with lots of deadlines so I decided to take the evening off with a cup of hot chocolate and a good book.
This evenings fascinating tome of choice is a medical journal on gynecology and obstetrics written in 1859 ANNA M. GALBRAITH, M.D.
Excellent read, I highly recommend it.
Chock full of fascinating facts long forgotten, like this one for example: Did you know that children's parties, late hours, sensational novels, loose stories, the drama and the ball-room, causes a premature development of the sexual organs as do also spiced foods and alcoholic beverages.
I did not know that, but to be honest I never did trust loose stories.
I was weaned on curry and cider.
What does that tell you about me?
And don't get me started about children's parties!
Clearly I must read on.
Later.

September 9, 2006 (evening edition)

Summer is officially over. We had our first day of rain in a month. Going to hike up to the lookout rock in Deep Cove now that it has cleared up.
Derek and I moved to Deep Cove in the North Shore mountains a couple of months ago. I love being back in the mountains. (We lived in the valley for a few of years in between).
Just the amount of hiking and biking over the last month and I'm finally getting back in shape and fitting into my old jeans. It feels great.
The extra chub slows you down, makes it harder to run to the fridge for a beer.
This years new expensive hobby will be skiing. Derek and I are going to buy skis for the winter. I have been skiing twice in my life.
The first time, moments after donning my sturdy rental skis, I lost control on a hill and slammed into the side of a building neatly snapping both skis in two.
Needless to say they were very impressed in the rental shop.
I actually got a round of applause.
The second time, within 20 feet from the top of my first chairlift up, I fell and dislocated my shoulder. Had to be brought down in a bright orange sled. That wasn't half embarrassing.
Coordination isn't one of my strong points.
later: We just got back from the hike to the lookout rock. It's a great hike with a great view, 5 minutes from home and only takes an hour (40 mins at a run).

September 9, 2006

What I Did This Summer by Helen Platt.
This summer, we could have sipped pina coladas on a Carribean island, or Guinness in a pub in London, but why, when we could drive from Vancouver to Fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada.
What on earth would make us do a thing like that you ask? I have been tempted on occasion, to ask myself the same question. Especially once we actually arrived there.
The reason we went, and what made the trip worthwhile was to go to Defcon 14 (Hacker con). The best part of Defcon for me, were the great people I met.
Not being a hacker myself, I felt a tad intimidated by the sheer size and processing power of the brains around me. But I found that if you drink enough beer you start to sound smarter (at least in your own head and that's all that really counts).
It also helped that everyone was so friendly and welcoming that it was hard to feel out of place for long.
I have finally sorted through the pics of the trip and I have posted them here for anyone interested.
And next year when the question again raises itself, what shall we do for vacation?
Probably the same.

September 8, 2006

Damn it!
Like one of those large 45 year old guys that dresses up like sailor moon and wishes they were a hot 16 year old girl dressing up like sailor moon, I wish I could write like this:
Worst Analogies ever written in high school essays - good for a laugh

September 7, 2006

Well, the ordeal is over, I had my emergency root canal yesterday while on (a drug similar to) Rohypnol.
The scary thing about Rohypnol isn't what is happening to you while you are on the drug, it's all the hideously embarrassing things you do and say in your drugged out state that you never remember the next day.
Let me just ask all the ladies out there, you wouldn't think getting waxed before a dental appointment would be important would you?
Well, turns out it is.
Don't ask questions, lets just say, it's really hard to get your pants back on in the dentist's bathroom while on drugs.
They had the thoughtfulness to tell me about it the next day.
You know, in case I forgot.
Anyway, I did manage a blog entry during my trip and I promised to post it, so here it is in all it's gory nonsensical detail:
sept 6th - before appointment:
Hey Helen, type some stuff here. This is the Rohypnol blog experiment. Don't fall asleep without typing!
2:00 PM I wake in the spare bedroom at my parents and begin to type:
as to heousltoothcc sssssssssooei gogi galig m,isaikiiitGH HIHItooigoiy'hos o fibsiaoo99\\\
woer sowwjaghe i deljre
Ptllllllllllllly fsae a sff oi i moly ij ireefiof ge alldu g osdf f f
4:00PM I raise from the dead again I go to the computer and low and behold this isn't the first time I have woken up!
sooo the is't the only tim, I've bee ehere before. gee look at tat, how astute i soud fsae a sf Mollly!It is w about 1 hour later dn I an still drigged as hell but I think slightly more orherent
Iremember te o dy for a log te the drug orre off sand I ws aler during tTHAT WS A DISSTER BARELY AVOIDED,uTHER TH th i WOKE UP AS NORM AL , PACKIG THAT Yi WAS STI;; AT HOME AND HAD MISSED THE APPONTMENT
THEN i GROGGILY REALIZE TA i DIDT RECONIZE TEH ROOm SO i GROGGILLY PANICKED ADN THOUGHT I HAD FEEL ASLEEP AT THE PARENTS
tHEN I R DAWNED ON ME OH ITS OVER YOU DOLT
he orde.'
tHERE WAS OnLY On THING I REMEMBER AnD TAHAT WAS THE PART EWHERE i =HAD TO FEEEL EVERTHING, AGGO, nOT ENOUG DRUG OR FREEZInG, BUT T WAST FOR OF
i AM RAVIOUSE, HAVET EATEDN I 45 HOURS33 IS BASICALLY NUTHIN. (45 hours? really? Truth is I ate 3 meals yesterday)
WELLJUST SHUFFLED TO THE KTCHEN. foud out its the second time I have dow that. The last time i tried to make dinner apparenlty with asparagus with chocolat sauce adn cake mike.well I ca n see at teast these drugs don't help imrove my cooking skills.
I jsut grabbed water and 2 valilla waffers.Thats about as much as I can accomplish right now. took intenese concentration
the freezing is wearing off...ow
hurts better eat y vanillas for its to late.
 
someoes hammering outsied and I cnt sleep
freexzongs worn off and my head hurts.
Guess Im not that interesting when Im on drugs huh.

September 5, 2006

I have come to accept a truth about myself.
I need to have an audience before I am moved to blog.
Okay, let me rephrase that.
I need to believe I have an audience before I am moved to blog.
Even an audience of 2.5 (the .5 being my dog)
My super secret blog idea (see blog entry below - dated April 4, 2005, 3:46PM) was a miserable failure with an impressive grand total of two blog entries in one year.
My creativity overfloweth.
The truth is, I like to make people laugh.
Blogging doesn’t bring me much satisfaction unless there is the possibility, however slight, of someone out there, getting a chuckle out of it. Or at least deriving some sort of enjoyment while reading. Although, truth be known, forced reading as a form of punishment would bring me equal satisfaction.
There is also one glaringly obvious flaw in having a super secret blog that no one reads. Famous people never e-mail super secret bloggers.
And they did before the secret blog.
They did!
William Shatner for one was on the verge of e-mailing until he heard I went underground.
(side note – Hello Mr. Shatner, I’m back again, feel free to e-mail)
You might have noticed that my blog is hideously out of date and broken.
Well you might also be wrong.
It’s called ‘Retro’ and it has ‘Character’.
It is my intention to update all the pages, the design and even possibly, the forontes (forum plural). And this time, unlike my previous intentions, it is my intention to follow through on my intentions.
Blogging Experiment #1
Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment. I am one of those cowardly people with extreme dentaphobia (hey, I was born in England). I have actually been known to become violent in the chair.
Gosh!
Partly for my own nerves and partly for the dentist's safety, I have to take rohypnol (yes the date rape drug)during my appointment. Wheeee!
It's great fun and I say a lot of stupid things that I never remember sooo you guessed it! I am going to blog tomorrow while I am on drugs.
If I can remember.
So stay tuned for tomorrows load of gibberish.
Later.

August 10, 2006

I never fly in my dreams anymore.
 
Please stay tuned... more to come momentarily.

December whatever, 2005

In light of the “Million Little Lies” fiasco I have decided to change my blog name from Ex Animo (from the heart) to Ex Animo-stly.
Wouldn’t want anyone to be confused.

June 1st, 2005, 12:22AM

Hey, look at this !
Another Journal entry.
How come it's so easy to write when I am drunk? Oh yes it's becasue I have no shame. I remember now. Yes, folks, I am squiff again. On two coolers. Embarrasing isn't it? Please ignore the typos, it's far to late to speell check at this time. It is nearly 1;00AM Thursday morning and I can't go to bed because I have had one cooler too many. I am jsut chatting with Nodeal in ICQ. It's wierd. Do you know when you meet someone and you feel like you have known them forever. I am talking to N0Deal and I feel like I have been friends for a long time. He probably just has a general creepy stalker feeling I am sure. But rest assured, mine is all warm and fuzzy. I wonder why that happens. It is either that on an unconscious level the person reminds you of someone you have known well or, if you are crazy, there is also the reincarnation /past life theory.
What ever suits you.
I wonder if there is a part of us that is extremely good at reading body language that can judge a person within the first 10 minutes. That is why some people instantly get your hackles up without saying anything.
Or in this case gives you a warm fuzzy friendly feeling without saying anything. You know reincarnation is a stupid theory.
OFFENCE ALERT! Anyone who believes in reincarnation can feel free to be offended. It is stupid because, it just is and I am way too tired and squiff to defend that argument right now. Come back and ask me why tomorrow.

April 26, 2005, 10:00AM

Bloody Hell!
There goes my life as I know it.
For those of you who don't know it, I have a sister. That's part of a painting that I made of her. Aren't I a kind and loving sister? Depicting her as a tender and loving mother...when she is really heartless, cruel and treacherous!
And sadly, completely insane. I find myself unable to conceal the truth about her any longer. Forced to divulge the terrible truth about her tragic mental state, I will try to be gentle. It all started a few weeks ago with a phone call. Mad Sister Cate says: Helen, I am thinking of writing a book. It's going to be about two sisters who are totally different and the comedy and trials of their relationship. One sister is a down to earth loving mother, and the other sister is......(need I continue, you can see where this is going) Saintly Sister Helen says: silence (hot prickly feeling begins to lift the hairs on my scalp) Saintly Sister Helen thinks: hmmm.....this scenario is beginning to sound familiar....could it be a coincidence? I can see behind the curtain here, down to earth loving mother, upstanding pillar of the community, beacon of dependability in the dark night of uncertainty.....and her crazy sister. The trials and tribulations of the sane dealing with the insane. Fanfuckingtastic! Now, as you can see, I am forced to set the record staight before the slanderous tome is released onto the unprepared public. The truth is, it is my sister who is mad, not I. Apart from being an incurable compulsive liar, she is a complete nutter. Barmy. Raving lunatic. I didn't want to have to spill this terribly secret but she has driven me to it. Don't listen to a thing she says. It will only encourage her. Support her recovery from the land of denial. Don't buy the book.

April 4, 2005, 3:46PM

I have picked up the quill once again.
I have long withheld my opinions from this world and I fear the world suffers for it.
I shake off the cobwebs and endeavor to blog in truth and honesty. Actually I now have two blogs. This one and a secret one. The following is the first entry of my secret blog and will explain why I now have two......

"My Blog "Exanimo" meaning "From the Heart" began with the best intentions of writing truth and honesty but I found that it isn't easy to bare your soul to the public. I will still keep up exanimo but it will be purely for entertainment. It wont contain my blackest secrets. That's what this place is for. It's only for me to read so I can feel free to sound stupid, say nothing funny or intelligent, use no alliteration or other clever writing devices etc etc.
Ten Past Twelve! Time to retire, I'm tuckered!
Damn!"

Here is an image of the terribly secret site. I guess that's all I have to say about that. Now, on with the blogging.... We have been to see some plays recently.
I highly recommend any philatheatralis to research your plays before you go.
Bad plays are different than bad movies in that you don’t feel wracked with guilt if you leave half way through a movie. Leaving a play during intermission means that upon commencement of the second act there will be two gapingly empty seats, like two missing teeth, practically screaming your negative review at the poor actors on stage who then have to stumble through the second act without breaking down into tears of rejection. It just isn’t done.
One of these we survived recently was called “Jacques Brel is Alive And Well In Paris”.
I wish he weren’t.
I can’t speak for everyone here. You might enjoy this play.
I can’t criticize the performance of the cast, the playing of the musicians, the subtle lighting effects.
You might enjoy this play…. If you were the kind of child whose sweetest moments where when you stood in front of your mommy as she explained to you that Santa Claus is a big lie she has been telling you for 6 years or when your very first girlfriend in grade 6 told you that you were a big loser and dropped you for your best friend. If these moments in life thrilled you to excitement you might enjoy this play.
If you are sent to dizzying heights of joy when being fired from jobs, delight in hearing about friends suicides or discovering that you have a tapeworm, then this play is for you my friend.
If not, I wouldn’t recommend it.

Decemberween Holiday Season Time, 2003

I am aware of the fact that I left you all in suspense regarding the Emma Hallowe'en costume thing.
Cruel of me wasn't it?
All six billion and 34 readers unable to continue with their daily lives, crippled with wonder, staring raptly at their monitors hitting refresh, refresh, refresh like some hideously animated machine barely stopping to eat and relieve themselves, running stark raving mad through the streets, traffic stopped everywhere, cities on fire, satellites falling out of the sky, a month with no posts on Fark!!
Well, it's not quite that bad.
The thing is, regardless of the chaos I may or may not have caused, I had a good reason for the delay.
A damn good reason.
I have been creating...
AN ARMY OF ROBOTS!!
(echo - robots, robots, robots)
I will post several links below with images and wallpapers showing my robot army and a few other goodies too.
But I digress, back to Emmas costume.
Here are some action shots of her on Hallowe'en.
Tasteless!
Here is the beginning of my fearsome robot army.
Here is a wallpaper which includes a handy "World Domination Robot Control Centre"
Also, I was inspired recently while helping the folks with some computer related issues to design a User Interface.
Please feel free to download and install on family members and/or customers desktops.
Above sketches are all done in Illustrator.
Well that's it for now folks.
Later.

October 22nd, 2003

Well, Emma my dog has decided upon her costume for Hallowe'en.
She has sworn me to secrecy but will be posting pics in the first week of November for all to see.
Personally, I would like to go on record as saying that I think her idea is sick, offensive and in poor taste.
Trust me I had nothing to do with it, it is all Emma.
She is not a puppy anymore, although still obviously immature, and can make decisions by herself now.
Anyway, that's it. I just wanted you all to be prewarned.
As for myself, I haven't done a damn thing about my costume. I was originally planning on going as Gaz. Then after Kill Bill (which I have seen twice already)I thought O-ren after she is killed. Now time is running out and I am seriously thinking I should pick something easier.
Like "A Person With A Mole"
That would be easy.
Just a little black eyeliner.
"Plainclothes Cop",
"Wil Wheaton's Best Friend".
Those also would require minimal effort. Aside from Hallowe'en, Marj and Steve have had their baby. Congratulations!
That's it for now, time for me to go and see what's blown up in the world. Later.

October 12th, 2003

There is one movie

that every woman

every girl child

every female infant

every frail octogenarian with two X chromosomes

every grandmother, mother and every daughter

must see.

kill bill

I LOVE

KILL BILL

On behalf of women everywhere. Thank you Quentin.

October 10th, 2003

Due to overwhelming demand (several thousand e-mails daily) I have decided to satiate the publics curiosity by posting the "Wil Wheaton E-mail Affair".
In all its shocking and sordid detail.
Here it is from the start...
First Contact:

Hello Wil,

Thought I would mention that it's come to my attention recently that you haven't been posting in my forontes (forum, plural) on my blog site www.chargedmultimedia.com/exanimo (click on the forum link to your right.) The noticeable lack of your comments has forced me to start commenting on your behalf. (Actually to be technically correct, writing Haiku on your behalf) Strangely, William Shatner has also been absent lately and I have begun to comment on his behalf also.
As you can see, this could become quite messy. Please assist in this matter by posting regularly.
If this becomes too much of a burden for you, I have no problem maintaining your blog for you so you have more time to post on my site.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Helen Platt

A few days later:

Hello Wil,
Sorry to bother you again with this whole forum issue but I fear it may be getting out of hand. Visitors are beginning to doubt the authenticity of your posts in my forontes. I can't imagine why because I am writing some of my best Haiku in there. It would help me a great deal if you would just pop by and post a comment. You know, throw around a few Wil-isms to quell the rising doubt. Strangely, people do not doubt the William Shatner posts.
Anyway, here again is my blog site: http://www.chargedmultimedia.com/exanimo/ Click on the forum links on your right or your left. Either one will do.
Thanks
Helen

THE E-MAIL:

Maybe it's because you're a better writer than I am, and they see right through it? Try writing lousy junk.

Good luck!

Wil

here's what he MEANT:

Maybe it's because you're a better writer than I am,
(I am humbled by your talent with words and kneel at your feet in worshipful awe)
and they see right through it?
(they would rather read what you have to say anyway)
Try writing lousy junk.
(Even if you tried to write badly it would be pure poetry)

Good luck!
(I love you forever)

Wil
(Your loyal servant always)

You have to learn to read between the lines.
There you go. Try not to be jealous. Feel free to gossip and spread rumors.
Later.
ps. side note to Rex. I know you are reading. Yes, yes, I know you don't feel special anymore. Stop whining and post damn it!

October 9th, 2003

Good Morning everyone.
It's been a while since I last updated.
I was tied up for a few days.
Listening to the 568 phone messages left by Dak.
Took a while to get through them all.
Uncle Dak's having a Hallowe'en party :)
CUT TO
MORNING - CHEMICAL PLANT - CU DAK AND DAVE
Dak: So Dave, you going to stick around for the Hallowe'en party?
Dave: I dunno, is anybody coming?
Dak: Well I made 568 phone calls this week and only one guy in the whole lot, if that tells you anything!
Dave: Wow! zis vill necessitate ze abandonment of ze so called monogamous sexual relationship as far as men vere concerned.
Dak: ..... basically ....yeah.
Seriously though, this should be a fun party. Dak is a social butterfly. Sorry Dak, had to do it.
Well, I have to get to work. I need to make money so I can buy my awesome costume. Gaz (Invader Zim).
Later.

October 4th, 2003

Okay, so Wil and I, we're pretty much on a first name basis now if you know what I mean.
I spent Friday evening chatting with him for hours.
You know.
About stuff.
The kind of stuff you talk with Wil Wheaton about.
You know, like black holes, Nanotech, William Shatner.
That kind of thing.
Well maybe not for hours.
But....I did call him by his first name.
Wil.
And he did say some stuff to me. Three sentences.
Okay people, what I am trying to get at here is I GOT AN E-MAIL FROM WIL WHEATON AND YOU DIDN'T!
I realize he didn't write in my forum. Yet. Just like the others that only sent an e-mail. But I am one step closer, and I am SURE he must have visited the site. If not, the curiosity is driving him mad as we speak. It won't be long now I assure you.
In other news: we went riding today and I crashed. Hard. On sharp rocks. Then my bike fell on me.
So all in all a great day!
Later.

October 2nd, 2003

Today I e-mailed Wil Wheaton.
Hi Wil.
I know you are reading.
Once I make contact, no one can resist.
I am also on the verge of e-mailing, Jon AKA VAST. I just have no idea what to say. If you don't know the music of Vast, you have been living a dried, broken peanut husk of a life.
They are selling albums here.

October 1st, 2003

Hello people.
Well I've got to break the silence sometime haven't I?
I thought I would wait until William Shatner broke the silence but it looks like he isn't going to show.
I decided to write some thoughts and opinions today. I received an e-mail just now that bothered me. So I thought I would write about it in here. This is pretty much what the e-mail says:

Hi Friends,
At the risk of a bit of inconvenience, I'm forwarding this to all I know. A disgusting film set to appear in America later this year depicts Jesus and his disciples as homosexuals!
As a play, this has already been in theaters for a while. It's called "Corpus Christi" which means "Christ's Body." It's a revolting mockery of our Lord. But we can make a difference.
That's why I am sending this e-mail to you. Will you please add your name to the bottom of the list at the end of this e-mail? If you do, we will be able to prevent this film from showing in America. After all, the entertainment industry is under fire in our country right now anyway. Apparently, some regions in Europe have already banned the film. All we need is a lot of signatures!
Remember, Jesus said "Deny me on earth and I'll deny you before my Father."

Incase any people see my journal entry that have signed this e-mail petition, please don't shoot burning arrows onto my roof at night.
I would just like to express my opinion.
First off I wonder how many people who signed this petition actually bothered to research this film.
If you did research, had you already formed your judgement before your research.
Did you use your research just to fuel your fire of indignation?
I for one will withhold any final judgement until after I see the film, if I see it.
However, I will write about what I found out doing a little research after reading the e-mail. I believe the writer himself would call himself a Christian. From what I gather, the film/play tells the story of Jesus if it were set in modern times. Incase any of you aren't familiar with the story of Jesus, I will give you the brief run down.
Jesus coming in the bible had been prophesied many times earlier. So the people during that time had expectations of what Jesus (who claimed to be God in human form) should be like. When he arrived he was nothing like what they expected. He hung out with whores, challenged their beliefs and basically pissed everyone off. In the end everyone became so infuriated that this little shit claimed to be God that they crucified him. Jesus message? Just to love everyone. So the Gist of this play seems to be, if Jesus came today, what kind of person would he be to make all the Christians hate him so much that they would kill him?
......well...gay of course.
And the message of the play?
If you are a Christian and you claim to follow the teachings of Jesus, are you loving, or are you judging and hating?
I was raised in a church going family. I liked church when I was young. It was a good place to be. Much to the chagrin of many family members I am sure, I decided to examine, test and challenge the beliefs I was raised with. I am sure this will be a lifelong process. I am glad I try to be open-minded, I am glad I question things, I am glad I live in a free country.
Remember folks.
Joe Smith getting to say that Jesus is a fag also means that you get to worship your God of choice on your day of choice. Something to be thankful for eh?
That's all for now folks. Later.
PS Corpus Christi is actually the name of a city in Texas. The main character is a kid from Texas.

August 13th, 2003

Holy Crap! An update!
Well I'm back from the dead with much to write about. Incase one of my 2.5 readers did not notice, which is quite possible seeing as one of them is blind and the .5 is my coffee cup, I have been updating my site within my forontes. (forum - plural) Incase you are wondering about the .5 - Emma my dog does not read my site anymore.
She's into the whole Gothic Lolita thing now and I'm not cool enough. Anyway, I had to replace her with my coffee cup.
So as for updates, here they are cut and paste from the forontes:
Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2003 2:37 pm Post subject: "My Summer Vacation" By Helen Quoth Platt
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Summer woz not so gud.
we went to the zoo.
a bird shat on my head.
MY icecrem fell and i ony had wone lik.
i fell into the polar bere pen and got eatend by the big wite bere.
big pointy teeth. crunch crnuch crunch.
i diden even get to see the monkees.
i lik monkees.

Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2003 3:25 pm Post subject: Could'a Been Worse
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At least I didn't have to pass through the digestive system of a polar bear.
It was however, a summer vacation worthy of an Haiku. The greatest Haiku ever. Possibly even Haikese.
I last updated my blog several weeks ago. Full of childlike anticipation for my long-awaited mountainbiking trip to Nelson. Two weeks of sun, cycling and swimming. Well, make that two hours. Two hours after arriving in Nelson we received a phone call.
Our house had been broken into and everything was gone.
Oh wait! Wait there's more!
No insurance!
Yeah baby!
Let's take inventory here. We have (had) a home business. All gone.
Years worth of my work.
All gone.
Let's hear it for off site back up!! Hooray!!
Which we didn't have! Hoora...oh.
Shit!
Yeah that pretty much sums it up. Shit, caca, feces, dung, crap, excrement, guana, shiza and poo.
The last few years of photos, gone. My sketches, art, image libraries, video, writings, poems, excruciatingly embarrassing stuff....gone.
speaking of....if anyone out there has some images of mine that I have emailed to people over the last little while.....if you could send tham back it would make my day. But not yet. This is the first time I have been online in weeks and I don't have e-mail set up yet. So give me a week or so. Other than that, our $1000 printer, bike, leather jackets, sewing machine, clothing, jewellery... the list goes on an on....all gone.
But inspite of all of this, I am not down. No, I WILL NOT be defeated! You may rob me! you may take my material possesions! You may think you leave me with naught!
BUT NO!!
You cannot take from me my most FEARSOME weapon!!
IT'S HAI-FUCKIN-KU TIME BABY!!
Haaawwww...hai-ha-ungh-hoiauuugh
(you must imagine at this point that I am dressed in a terribly fearsome black martial arts style outfit as I run through some equally fearsome, matrix style martial arts moves to prepare for the most fearsome Haiku ever)
This will require patience and meditation and possibly a 6 month respite at a Shaolin Temple.
But I will return.
Fear not.
In other news, Enki and I have decided to rent no longer! We are buying a condo. More about this later.
Well, a lots happened since then. We did buy a place. We are moving in 3 weeks.
YAY.
I have been living with the in-laws the whole time and will be for another 3 weeks.
Not-so-YAY.
On one hand no privacy, on the other hand, we are catching up on our beauty sleep.
Here is a picture of my father in law.
He has a masters degree in chemistry and he grows vegetables.
So don't worry about me Mom, I am eating my veggies.
I don't ask how the vegetables got so big.
I just eat them.
Speaking of veggies. It's supper time. Gotta go.
By the way. Hi Kathy, the pics I showed you today are under the sketches link to your left, and then under my art portfolio.
Later.

May 23th, 2003

Well folks, I'm a little squiffy I'm afraid.
It's Friday night and I've had it! I'm up to three beers now. Ya, ya I know I'm a cheap drunk.
Trust me I'm sloshed.
It was just one of those days you know. One of those days when you are inspired to heights of misanthropy that you could have never have believed you were capable of.
Okay did that just make sense?
I am squiffy enough that I lose direction before I finish a sentence. Perhaps this is not the best time to update my blog. Ah to hell with it, here I am.
I should be able to write Guinness off as a business expense. Actually everyone should get a tax break for beer. I mean it's a basic requirement after working a full day. It's only fair.
I found a great site tonight. I NEED more clothes. Really I do. I am tired of only doing graphic design for other people. I think I am going to start a bit of painting again.
Also I have a new idea for bringing people to my site. It's fucking brilliant. Okay here it is. Enki gets tonnes of hits a day because he writes journal entries that contain brain hemorrhagingly detailed explanations of how to fix linux related problems. he has his niche.
Well I'm up for a little slant drilling if you know what I mean.
I am thinking of writing stupidly complex solutions to linux problems that make no sense at all but they will get rankings on google. Hows that for a plan. Or maybe I am shitfaced.
Anyway, I am off to Chappies (Chapters book store). I am planning on purchasing "Catch Me If You Can" by Frank Abignale. My new Hero. Later.

May 23th, 2003

Morning Everyone.
Well I guess I'm back to having 2.5 readers. The .5 being my dog. Sigh, well I did it to myself didn't I? Should've have my priorities straight.
I have been too busy updating my sisters site for her. She has also at long last added an entry of her own, after a long hiatus.
Enki/Derek has been giving his blog an overhaul lately. I'm going to have to be careful what I message to him because he has a habit of posting my messages.
Here is a clip from his weblog "In unrelated news, later on I will post a quick and effective guide to hot-swappable USB2.0 large size hard drives under Linux. Just got it dialed, and it KICKS ASS!"
Woo baby! I love it when you talk dirty like that!
All that hot swappable large sized hard drive stuff, DAMN it's getting hot in here!
Here are a few statistics to brighten your day and bring sunshine into your future.
Your chances of dying of SARS in the States are 1 in ...oh wait, none have died in the states....not too shabby huh?
Your chances of dying in an automobile accident in the states are approximately 1 in 6400 every year. Those aren't the odds in your life time, those are your odds each year.
In 2001 2 students were killed in a school shooting. Two...out of millions of high school students. 18 other students were injured. That's all.
Every year 1 in 78 people are injured in automobile accidents in the states. That means if you live in the states you will almost definitely be injured in a car accident in your lifetime.
How badly, depends on how lucky you are.
Maybe you will just break some bones if you are lucky, or maybe you will end up crippled, or on life support, or brain damaged who knows? But everyone has to roll that dice in their life time. Everyone.
Car accidents are the greatest cause of death caused by injury. And that includes, all accidents, suicides, homicides, war, everything. Cars are the worst.
Why do we still use cars? Surely there must be better systems of transportation? There are. But the US economy depends upon the automobile industry to survive.
Oh that's right. To keep the rich people rich lots of people have to die in horribly mutilating car accidents. That's not to mention all the pollution and damage to the environment.
And the puppies.
Oh yes don't forget about the puppies.
The poor little sad puppies.
(Okay this is just to evoke an emotional response from my 2.5 readers) People care far more about bad things happening to cute puppies than they do about people.
Anyway, thats my little rant for today.
I'm afraid of cars.
I'm afraid of Americans. (it's the trendy thing).
And I love the sad little puppies.

May 13th, 2003

Good God has it been that long? Well it's been an eventful month. Lots of business which is good but it keeps us busy.
And yet, bastion of philanthropy and charity that I am, somehow I still manage to create this humble benefaction for my worthy cousin Nick. A man among boys....Hang on a minute, that didn't sound right.
A man among...errr...other lesser men.
Nope still not right.
Well basically a single guy that needs help in the dating department. I felt the calling to help and generously responded.
I've been doing a lot of mountain biking lately too. Trying to get back in shape for my summer vacation that we just planned this weekend. Two weeks mountain biking in Nelson. Can't wait.
Anyway, that's it for now. More later.

April 7th, 2003

Mornin' everyone. My art protfolio is going to be down for a few weeks. I have temporarily moved my pics to this site. They are under the sketches link. I still haven't added anything new. I will get around to that one day.

April 7th, 2003

Good Morning No-one. Hahaha! My evil plan worked! My secret plan to feign disinterest in my blog so that the readers will drop off one by one, leaving me readerless and free to divulge my most terrible secrets and the nasty things I really get up to. That's the real reason I haven't been updating with regularity for a month.
Okay 2 months.
Okay this is depressing.
I was just trying to think of a terrible secret to write and I can't think of any. I have no terrible secrets.
Okay, you can all start reading again.
Hello?
Well the new place is starting to feel like home. Whatever home is. I am starting to feel like home is the inside of a moving van.
It's perpetually fridgid here. I sometimes have to wear mittens to type. I know how Strongbad feels.
It doesn't help that my dog thinks the place is haunted.
This place does not make a very cool haunted house. I mean the whole 70's decor, orange globe lamps and wood panelling doesn't lend itself to hauntings now does it? Unless you're talking about the ghost of Linda Lovelace or John Holmes.
Personally I think my dog is full of shit.
Since we moved in she's been creeping around silently with her hackles up staring at random spots in the house. But last night, in the middle of our peaceful slumber the window screen mysteriously fell on her head as she lay in bed. She has taken this as solid evidence of the paranormal. And what's worse, she thinks they are out to get her. This morning I get up, Mulders makin breakfast, the house is full of EMF detectors, EVP instruments and heat sensors.
Never trust a dog with your visa card.
Latest update on the Ultrasound fiasco. I had another ultrasound done. On the topic of the porn industry, There's only one kind of scenario where it would be okay for the Doctor to scream out "OH My GOD!!" while she's examining you. This wasn't one of them. In all other cases this is generally a bad thing.
And yes she did yell out Oh My God.
And NO I am not pregnant.
Well at least I got to pee before this one.
Anyway, I must get to work. More later.

April 6th, 2003

It's Derek's birthday today! So everyone who knows him, send him an e-mail today. Sorry once again for the lack of updates. I'm sure you are all too busy reading CNN and Fox News to read this site anyway. It's been super busy lately. The move went fairly well. Still unpacking and setting things up. Work has been busy too. We actually got out for a ride yesterday. It was raining, hailing and sleeting, windy and cold but we rode. Damn we're hard core! Shut up Cam! Just because I whined and complained about it doesn't mean I'm not hard core! The ride was fun. I screamed all the way down. Anyway, I gotta run and get some work done. I know, I know it's a boring entry but life will be back to normal in another couple of weeks and I will have more time to think creatively. Until then this is all you get. Later.

March 25th, 2003

Sometimes I am sad to be part of this human race.
Sometimes I have hope.
Sometimes it's good to put your own life and troubles in perspective.

March 10th, 2003

6:37 AM. Perched here basking in the bluish radiation of my 19 inch Samsung, a welcome source of light on this dim and rainy morning, I quaff my nepenthe caffeine and contemplate moving to the bahamas.
Well it's too late for that now. We signed yesterday for a new place in Langley.
(Woah I think I just channelled William Gibson.)
(Well maybe a William Gibson/E.A. Poe freak of nature thing)
(Okay so I am not as good at writing as either so we will just say that I channelled a William Gibson cross with Edgar Allan Poe at about age 13 okay?)
Needless to say, I am channelling people, both dead and alive at 6:37 on a Monday morning, sounds like the beginnings of an interesting week.
The house we found is a groovy throw back to the 70's. It's a spacious house in the middle of acres of farmland.
Summer should be fun and eventful. They are growing fields of corn all around us. This means we should expect either visits from dead Baseball legends, aliens and crop circles, or creepy children that want to kill is with sharp farm implements. I am voting for the baseball legends. Actually, it would be cool to have mountain bike legends emerge from the corn and force us to build a big jump track. I wouldn't mind that so much.
Well clearly, it is too early for me to write anything sensible so I should sign off and get some work done. I don't need to think clearly for work.
Later.

March 6th, 2003 ......continued

Okay so that wasn't such a long pause.
I have to write about one thing that has been driving me up the wall for around a year now. It involves the love life of a close friend.
Now generally, as a rule I try not to voice my opinion on the love life of friends.
Generally, it isn't really such a hot idea to say to your buddy,
"Man your girlfriend sucks! And not in the good way! I mean that freakshow is a BI-ATCH! You know what I'm sayin?"
Generally, this would be a bad thing.
Generally, You reserve these comments for after the break up when the friend will heartily agree with you and such comments will reaffirm his feelings that the breakup was a good thing.
Generally....
Well folks I no longer have the self restraint to hold back these comments.
Cam, your girlfriend is a BI-ATCH!!
In fact, there have been times when, after hearing 'the latest', I have found pleasure in visualizing 'talking some sense into her' in an exquisitely painful way. (It's okay for me to say this because I am a girl you see)
Okay a little background information for people in the dark.
Cam is one of those rare guys who actually has a lot of respect for women and understands them. He is an amazingly reliable, honest and trustworthy friend. Someone you can tell anything to. He treats his friends and his girlfriend like gold. I can't say enough good things about this guy.
Unfortunately his girlfriend Kelli never appreciated what she had and still drags his heart through the mud.
Well you all know what I must do.
I am sorry, I hate to have to do this to everyone but it is my only option.
I have tried to be understanding.
I have tried to stand by and watch while things work themselves out.
But I can do this no longer.
I'm bringin' out the Big Guns.
IT'S HAIKU TIME BABY!!

Haiku For Crapface Kelli

watching from the fence
caging to feed vanity
you selfish heartless loser crapface kelli how can you live with yourself when you break so many guys hearts you don't deserve any love at all get lost, be by yourself for a while and grow the fuck up!

.....*sigh* ....ahhhh I feel so much better now. Again, the last line limitation of 5 syllables had to be done away with.
There is nothing I can do about this.
I am an artist.
*shrug*

March 6th, 2003

Hi Everyone!
Okay, Okay, Okay, I am updating!
It's been one of those weeks you know what I am saying?
We started packing and cleaning for the big move this week. Yep that's right we are moving again!!
Where?
Who the hell knows!!
But we are moving. We have been desperately scrambling to find a place to live this week and I have been trying to learn a new job. The company I am working for is contracting the work out to me (charged Multi Media) after they let the previous girl go. It's pretty stressful for me, not because the work is difficult. It's pretty straight forward and I would have no problem doing it if it weren't for the disorganized filing system. And the weird glitches with the equipment. In my head I am thinking...you know...I would really like to show them that I am not a retard (ouch! that was politically incorrect) but things are going pretty slowly.
Also the other shitty thing is the depressing state of all of the houses we are looking at. Squatters hovels going for 1500 a month. It's crazy. So anyway, that's why I haven't been updating regularly. It will get better in a few weeks but for now there will be a few long pauses I am afraid. Later.

February 18th, 2003

Hello Everyone.
Wow here's something crazy. If you are getting hitched on short notice (or have been excommunicated from most religions in your area) This is for you!
A Giant Inflatable Church!!
Convenient like a male prostitute, this church can be rented and erected at a moments notice!
Pretty cool idea.
A large black dog followed me home today. I know where it lives but the poor thing lives like a stray, wandering lost and lonely, terrified of people.
I showed incredible restraint. I did not find and destroy the owners, hide their bodies, claim that the dog is a stray and keep her. I told the dog to go home.
What? Me have a problem? I don't think so.
Sometimes I fear for the world that I might become senile one day.
Anyway, my poor neglected pooch is currently staring accusingly between me and her empty food dish.
More later.

February 16th, 2003

Hello Everyone.
There has been an awful lot of commenting going on in my forum lately.
Yay.
I notice that there are people who become registered users who never comment. Sort of the shy wallflower type I guess.
Todays newest registered user is "pumpmonkey".
Should I be afraid?
Pumpmonkey. What the hell does that mean? Do I want to know?
Pumpmonkey, I think you had better explain yourself.
All these comments flying around have inspired me to take up my abandoned quest of getting famous people to comment in my forum.
So if anyone out there happens to be a friend of, live down the street from, or be currently stalking William Shatner, could you please mention my site and let him know that I am eagerly awaiting a comment.
Also if anyone would like to pose as a famous person, I am up for that to.
I bumped into a friend from highschool today whom I haven't seen for about 10 years. It made me think about how much everyone, including myself, changes overtime. Some people never change. They are exactly the same idiots they were in grade 12. I think it's the people who have been through a bit of hardship or trouble who change the most.
I also think the change is usually for the better.
On another note. Derek and I went to look at bikes yesterday. We need to upgrade. Whaddaya think? Drool Drool Drool!
Anyway, that's it for now. Until next time.
Later.

February 11th, 2003

Morning Everyone!
Well, it's been another eventful week here. I went to my very first RPG meeting last week.
(You can't really be called a geek unless you have played an RPG now can you?)
The Call of Cthulhu, set in the 1920's.
I am a female flighty artist type with powerful psychic abilities, Ninja fighting skills, loads of money and I carry a 10 inch silver cross with me at all times because I thought that if I got the chance to kill something with it that would be cool.
Oh come on! Of course that's realistic!
I mean, how many artists do you know that aren't rich psychic ninjas?
Okay, all of them.
ALRIGHT shut up! In my world it's realistic.
Use your friggin' imagination!
Dak the All Powerful Gamemaster rolls his eyes and heaves a deep sigh of long-suffering that can only mean one thing. Newbies.
In other news this week, I had my pelvic ultrasound exam yesterday. I know you all want to hear about it so I will tell you in gruesome detail.
Before the exam they give you instructions. One and a half hours before the exam time you are supposed to drink about 65 gallons of water then hold it until the exam is over 2 hours later. It's actually only 4 large glasses but it feels like 65 gallons after 2 hours. Trust me.
Standing in the lobby bobbing up and down with my fist crammed into my crotch, silently screaming with a look of panicked desperation etched on my face, a nurse comes up and asks, "Do you need to use the washroom?"
"What ever gave you that idea?"
She then hands me a tiny fragile dixie cup and tells me that I can relieve myself a tiny amount into the dixie cup if I wish.
Staring at the cup, I envision myself hunched over the toilet bowl holding this fragile vessel, trying with agonizing effort and control to release a slow trickle from my bladder which is currently pressurized to about 500 psi, losing complete control and unleashing a jet stream so powerful the porcelain bowl shatters spraying shrapnel in a 50 ft radius.
The next day amongst the rubble they find the dixie cup embedded 3 inches deep into the concrete foundation 2 floors below.
Then to make matters worse, while I was in the bathroom they called my name and a deaf girl thought they were calling her. They examined her and wrote all her information down as mine. By the time they realized the mistake they were half an hour late for my appointment and I was climbing the walls.
Anyway, it's over now and I am free to pee when I please.
And before the speculation begins, NO I am not pregnant. Get those horrific thoughts out of your head.
That's about all the information you are going to get out of me today. Sorry for the long hiatus once again, I promise to update with more regularity. Not that I know anyone reads this or anything......what, with nobody EVER COMMENTING IN MY FORUM OR ANYTHING!!
A-hem. Please feel free to comment in my forum.
Thank you.
Later.

February 3rd, 2003

I know, I know I haven't written in a long time. It's just that I have been really busy.
Okay that's a crappy excuse. The truth is I just haven't felt like it.
Life has been a tad tumultuous lately.
A quick run down on the week:
Started looking for part time graphic design work to boost our income a bit. Our business has been a bit slow lately, with the economy in the shitter and everything.
Vancouver held an anti war rally with zucchinis. The slogan of the day was Zukes not Nukes. Picture that if you will, a herd of hemp wearing, zuke shaking, misopolemicals trying to get people to take them seriously.
I did my part. I stayed at home and watched Trinity the nuclear bomb movie.
So.... why are we trying to save the human race again?
It was Emma's birthday.
She is one.
We took her out to buy presents.
She picked up another dogs poop in her mouth.
I have not the words. (Helen surrenders)
Sigh....teenagers.
She is just going through a phase. A coprophagia phase. It'll pass. If it doesn't, she's going to have to live in a giant hamster ball for the rest of her life.
The shuttle exploded upon re-entry as I'm sure you have all heard. It's a terrible shame too lose a group of such brilliant people.
It was quite a shock to hear about it.
It was even more of a shock, however, to learn (as reported on CNN NEWS) that, upon exploding, the shuttle was travelling almost 18 times the speed of light!
Myyyyyy goodness! 18 times you say!
That there light from the explosion was travlin' 18 times the speed'o light!
Duh! The shuttle can't travel that fast without an infinite probability drive! Anyone knows that!
Michelson and Morley roll in their graves.
Derek and I are going to be working on the Bear Mountain challenge website. It's a downhill bike race incase you didn't know. This should be a fun project. Right now I have to run. There's a new strongbad e-mail.
You see? Always so much to do. Later.

January 25th, 2003

Evening Everyone.
Just ignore this weeks outburst of melodramatic angst and carry on about your business. I was just having one of those days. You know how it is.
Those days when a Haiku doesn't cut it, when you want to shake your fist at the empyreal powers that be.
Well I shook my fist and I feel much better.
I read an interesting article today. Read it, it's pretty eye opening. Our education system needs help. I have a friend who is a teacher. There are 30 children in his class and he has 5 math text books. But that's okay because the inmates have cable. Anyway, there is a beer in the fridge calling me so that's it for now. Later.

January 19th, 2003

Morning Everyone.
Well the creative block has stuck with me though I have taken extreme measures to shake it off. Tenacious bastard.
These 'extreme measures' include experimenting with mind altering drugs.
I have one word of advice to anyone out there who might be brave enough to venture along the same road:
Don't mix Neo Citron Night Time Hot Lemon with Buckleys Mixture DM.
That was one .....bad....trip man. You don't wanna go down there.
Seriously though, speaking of drug trips, it reminds me of something that happened to me once.
First of all I need to take a little detour.
You see I found out the other day that my Dad reads my blog. (Hi Dad)
Now at this point I could do one of 3 things: cramp my style, live in denial about the fact that he is reading, or write all my stories in the third person and hope that he doesn't realize that I am talking about myself. I think I will choose the denial route, if it gets really bad possibly a little hypnosis and memory cleansing.
Anyway, back to my drug story.
I don't do drugs, not because I disagree with them, it's just that I never seem to be able to get around to it. I am not talking about drugs like Crack or even ecstasy. Anything that can kill you or do permanent damage to your brain isn't in my list of fun pastimes.
Oh wait, I mountain bike. Never mind.
Back to my story, which is about the one time that I (I mean this girl that I know) tried mushrooms about 5 years ago.
There were about 5 of us in a park all hooped on them. I was gazing in rapture at the complexity of the leaves in the trees and noticing with wonder that they appeared to become pixelated and display artifacts just like a computer trying to play a movie and chunking out. Suddenly the guy next to me says, woah man.... the treeeeees.....they're like....all in digital man. I asked him to clarify, amazed that he was seeing the same thing as me,
"yeah man like all little squares like on a computer"
"Yeah man...."
"yeah.....coool"
".....yeah....."
"Hey look that chicks hairs on fire man".
Okay so my point is, how was it that we were both hallucinating the same thing? With out previously discussing it.
I have since come up with several theories.
What if, the universe as we know it, is a complex program or matrix (yes something like the movie) Our perception of it works like a computer playing a DiVX file. Certain drugs interfere with our perception which causes artifacts like in a low bit rate DiVX. Not necessarily like chunking out, I don't think it's a bandwidth problem, it's more like a degradation of quality, just a lower bit rate.
Kinda makes you wonder doesn't it?
Today's drug of choice is caffeine.
Okay, okay, okay, Coffee Snob Mark Prince, I may owe you an apology. But seeing as you are a coffee snob and didn't write in my forum, I wont apologize. As you recommended, we went down to the J.J Bean place in Vancouver and got some green beans a while ago. This morning Derek and I roasted our own beans and ground them and made coffee as per instructions on Mark Princes coffeegeek.com page. The coffee is amazingly flavorful.
Thanks for the tips.
Damn I love global warming.
The weather has been great lately.
I went for a trail ride by myself yesterday (Derek is sick) and had my first two crashes since I injured my back. I have been taking it pretty easy for 4 months but yesterday it was too muddy to go slow. One of the crashes was pretty bad, catapulting over the handlebars into the bush, resulting in a little bit of a swollen ankle, but over all I survived. I feel so relieved to finally get that stressful and inevitable "first crash after injury" over and done with. The longer you go without crashing the larger a monster it appears to be looming on your horizon.
Anyway, it's done and I didn't die, but needless to say I am a bit sore today.
Well This is a damn long journal entry (I think that's due to the coffee) so I will leave you today with this link. Definitely worth watching. Later.

January 14th, 2003

I have been avoiding The Blog lately.
Still stuck in this creative quagmire.
It has metastasized into all areas of my life now. Causing everything from listless moping, mixed metaphors to bad hair.
I can't think of a thing to paint, or write or make.
Here, watch I will prove it:

A Haiku to ..... to....

Just A Goddamned Haiku

Somebody shoot me
please... something something something
fuck whatever

YOU SEE? The last line isn't even 5 syllables!
I am weaponless without my haikeese. This is awful.
I hope this doesn't last long.
I may have to do a VanGogh and cut of a body part.
Although it would have to be a very small body part. I'm quite squeamish. Would a fingernail clipping count do you think?
Well until I find my creativity again, here is the latest news:
Derek and I are moving to Langley. We are going to be living in a house with Derek's sister Erin and her boyfriend.
That's about it.
Later.

January 10th, 2003

I hate being sick.
Chocolate doesn't taste quite as good, your head feels stuffy, chocolate doesn't taste quite as good.
I am having a little creative block today. You see, with this head cold, it's a bit difficult to think.
Also there is another problem.
It's basically William Gibsons fault. I read his journal again today and it's so damn fucking creative and brilliant and so what I really wanted mine to sound like. So now, nothing I write satisfies me. I'm feeling the urge to throw in words like verklempt, sideromancy, solivagacious just for the hell of it. When really all I have to write about today is snot, phlegm and tissue.
Also, There is yet another problem.
I got a nice e-mail from someone saying they laughed and my website. Now assuming they don't mean laugh in a mocking way, this adds yet more pressure.
I didn't know I was being funny! Now I have to actually think about being funny. It's just too much. Now I have creative block.
I think I need a nap. Lucky for me it's bedtime.
To the person that sent the nice e-mail:
Don't feel guilty about destroying my creativity and sabotaging my blog with your well intentioned e-mail. Really it's nothing that a little absinthe and hallucinogenic drugs wont fix.
And if that doesn't work there's always plagiarism....
Hey Everyone. How about we all stop going to William Gibsons site. He never has anything good to say anyway.
Later.

January 9th, 2003

I read William Gibsons Blog this morning. If you don't know who William Gibson is, shame on you!
Here is a link to his bio.
He is one of my favorite authors of all time and he doesn't watch tv, which just made him go up a notch in my estimation. In his bio he writes that he wastes all of his time on the internet or he writes.
So I was thinking, it wouldn't be too much of a stretch for him to visit my site and comment in my blog.
If you haven't read one of his books you really should.
As I was read his journal I was reminded of my initial intentions for my blog. I started out wanting a space for my words and thoughts to wander freely, to flow and to create word images, not necessarily to make sense or tell a story. I wanted to have fun putting words together the same way that I play with putting colours together on a canvas. But it's difficult to do that when you know that people are reading. The only side of me that seems to come out in my blogging is the British dry humor and sarcasm. I don't know if I will ever be able to really express myself in here but I am going to give it a try if you can all promise not to read any further entries.
I had a dream that I could fly last night. I love those dreams. This was an odd one in that in the dream I suddenly remembered that I used to be able to fly at one time but I had forgotten. In the dream I trusted that I could still do it and I did. The funny thing is when I woke up, I really believed that I actually used to have the ability to fly at one time and I was tempted to leap into the air off the bed. The other thing about the dream was that I was in a small cramped room and it was limiting me. There's one for all you psycho analysts out there.
Something else I will mention but not go into just yet is that there have been an awful lot of very bizarre coincidences lately. I will list them all in a later entry.
Also, in the news yesterday, they have confirmed that the speed of gravity is the same as the speed of light. I wonder if it travels in the same way that light travels. Light travels at a constant speed relative to where you are, regardless of how fast or in which direction you are travelling. I love that, I love thinking about that. I remember when I first heard that I said That's impossible! That means that if you were travelling fast, time would move slower than someone who is stationary, and that's impossible, time doesn't change! But that in fact is exactly what does happen. The universe is a very cool place.
Anyway, I must go. My bike is calling me. Later.

January 5th, 2003

Hello Everyone.
Well I hope everyone has had a good first week of the New Year. I am determined that this is going to be a great year for us.
I have a good feeling.
Interesting bit of news, Scientists have discovered that the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics doesn't always hold true in a closed system.
This is a very handy bit of information to have tucked under your hat when dealing with those pesky religious creationist friends and family. Not that it really means anything anyway because the universe isn't a closed system and there is negative entropy going on all over the place all the time. For those of you who know no creationists and can remain blissfully unaware of their arguments, one of the cornerstones of their argument is that, in nature, everything falls towards decay, energy moves from a concentrated area to become dispersed evenly, energy is lost which is called entropy yada yada yada.
Basically this means that order cannot come from chaos therefore the order we see on earth, living things etc, must have been divinely created. The only problem is the second law of thermodynamics is actually that energy tends to spontaneously disperse in a closed system. Not an open system.
Still this bit of news is interesting. I don't like joining in religious debates, I don't like trying to prove people wrong but I do like it when people get to learn something new.
By the way, unlike the earlier Ramadan For Hedonists entry, there was no humor used in this journal entry. Creationists can feel free to be offended by todays entry and post comments in my forum.
Okay I am off to work on my table (pics coming soon). Later. PS. Friday night was the Rant Radio reunion. It was fun to see everyone and once again make almost no contribution to the evenings conversations. Microphones instantly quadruple my heartrate and quarter my IQ. I hate them. Oh well.

December 30th, 2002

I am in hiding today. It's one of those days that starts out very badly, gets worse, then around 10:00 in the morning you just give up fighting and decide to hide in your house for the remainder whimpering and eating chocolate.
We made coffee, discovered we had neither milk nor cream, went to the store to get some, the trucks starter broke so we had to leave the engine running while I waited outside, now Derek has to spend the day fixing it, the milk bottle smashed the moment we brought it in the house spilling milk all over the carpet (oooh I can't wait till that gets stale. I love carpets), I missed my ultrasound appointment which I will now be privately billed $3,000,000 for, for not cancelling a year in advance, we can't afford to pay for the ultrasound and the truck, I remember that I have to pay my student loan today, we were supposed to go clothes shopping, and worst of all......worst.... of....all, I have Kenny Rogers "The Gambler" stuck in my head.
Here everyone, join me in my pain...
You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run.
You know, somehow that made me feel a lot better. I know that you are going to have that song stuck in your head today and knowing that I created that personal little bit of torment for you somehow makes today alright.
I know it's cruel and malicious but at least I don't perform experiments on animals.
Anyway, I gotta run, Emmas trying out motocross today and I have to come up with a way to strap her onto the bike.
(See photos page nine)
Later.

December 28th, 2002....again

Just thought I would let you know that I updated my photos page again. Page 9 is new. They take a few seconds to download because they are a bit bigger than normal. Now I am off to work on my table again. Later.

December 28th, 2002

Wow it's been 10 days! What a neglectful blogger I have been.
I hope everyone spent a lot of money over Christmas like good little consumers.
It was a busy Christmas for us. Next year we are going to start a tradition. We are no longer celebrating Christmas. Instead we will choose a different winter celebration each year.
Such as Hanukkah. Derek and I will grow beards, long curly sideburns and play dreidle.
Winter Solstice, we will move large stones around in a circle (that one will be lots of fun).
Ramadan but with different rules.
We will call it Ramadan For Hedonists.
Well, I'm sorry but the whole Ramadan holiday needs a serious overhaul. I mean no food, beer or sex? What kind of holiday is this? Not a very well thought out one if you ask me.
This year I had to cook the Christmas dinner. It all worked out and nobody died or even threw up.
Honestly though, I am glad it's all over and I can be left alone to devour my box of Purdys chocolate covered ginger in peace. (Prezy from my sis in law - yum!)
I will be updating my photos pages today hopefully.
Till then, have a nice Day After the Day After Boxing Day. Later.

December 18th, 2002

Morning everyone. Went to see two towers last night at 12:30. I thought I might fall asleep during the movie. Hehe silly me. It was fantastic, I wont say more than that. I don't want to spoil it. Except for one thing. Some say that Gollum looks like Steve Buscemi. Here is a photo from a newspaper. What do you think? What me use photoshop? Never! I've never even heard of it. That was a lot of effort after only 3 hours sleep so I am off to beddie bies for a nap. Thanks Erin for that valuable info on sourcing jelly cups. I owe you. Mmmm tonight I get my fix! Later.

December 17th, 2002

Just a quick note.
I did add pictures last night as promised. They are under the photos link on page 8.
I did a drawing of Derek last night and another drawing this morning. I added them both there as well.
Here is a cool article, definately worth the read.

December 16th, 2002

I know I know, I have been a neglectful blogger lately.
Let's see, what happened this week? Nothing. You see that's why I haven't been journaling, I didn't want to bore you silly. Isn't that nice of me?
Well, we went shopping, I got some pants from MEC. I love MEC, I can spend hours in there.
We hiked up Bear Mountain (back is still too bad to ride). Some dust settled in my house. You see? Boring life.
While shopping down town I tried to find a new supplier for my drug of choice. Now that it's illegal in Canada and everything. But I had no luck. I will not give up though.
What is my drug of choice you ask? JELLY CUPS!! I am sure you have seen them before.
They are those weird little bits of jelly stuff in the environmentally unsmurfy packaging found in vast quantities at Asian markets everywhere.
Highly addictive. Terribly dangerous! Which is why they are illegal.
They banned them in Canada a year ago. Being small and grapelike they are apparently a choking hazard and too dangerous for Canadians.
I have a question.
Why don't they ban grapes? Grapes are horrifically dangerous. That's the next thing we will see in the News "Al Qaeda Claims Responsibility for Grapes and Jelly Cups"
Or...
"Saddam admits to 'Huge Stash of Grapes' US Declares War"
Canada is wierd. We decriminalize marijuana (yay!) and ban fairly healthy snack food.
Anyway, if anyone happens to know where I can get these black market items, please message me in the forum. Please. Or just message anyway.
Just somebody say something in there for God sake!
Okay, speaking of forums, next thing I want to address today is directed at Derek's sister Erin.
Incase people reading this don't know, Erin is an intimidatingly intelligent woman. She is a great person and always has something clever, witty and funny to say.
So Erin...... a-hem........WHY THE HELL DON'T YOU COMMENT IN MY FORUM? Ahhhh... got that off my chest.
Also Nick my cousin just e-mailed me to let me know he had visited this site. Again...no comment. And Cam! There is no excuse for you.
Christmas has been a pretty hectic time so far but I will resume my insulting e-mail campaign* in January (*sinister plan to goad people into commenting in my forum by sending them insulting e-mails). Next on my list are, Wil Wheaton, William Shatner, Micheal Moore and Stephen Hawking. As you may know, Micheal Moore and Stephen Hawking are 2 of my heros.
Also, I promise I will be updating the photos page today....I think....or this week sometime. No, no today! There! You have a firm commitment out of me.
But now, I have to actually get some work done. So that's it for now, Later.
PS Part Two comes out this week! Weeeeee!

December 10th, 2002

Oh My God I can't believe it! My sister has finally written her first blog entry.
It's a very cute and funny story about Christmas. I didn't even edit it or add a thing! What self control!
I read a scary story this morning.
I don't want to go to the States anymore. I don't visit fascist countries. I personally think free speech is a pretty nifty thing.
My 2nd opinion for the day: Television sucks. Media has so much influence over people and they ONLY care about money. I think everyone should turn their tvs off completely for 3 months and actually just have ... you know...a life. Maybe read a bit, learn something new, go outside, go hiking, take up a hobby. After 3 months I think a lot of people will never turn them on again. I LOVE not having a tv. I don't know nor care what happens in the latest reality show. There are more interesting things going on in the universe.
Like the fact that Scientists have discovered that neutrinos have mass.
Why is this so important you ask?
Well let me tell you.
I don't have a Goddamned idea. Yet. But I am dedicating my "Not Watching Tv Time" to finding out why it's so important. So I will get back to you in about 8 to 10 years with the answer.
Phew, okay that's a lot of ranting for me. I think I need to nap for a couple hours now.
I will try to update photos today, but first, the dog is demanding a walk and I must obey. Later.

December 9th, 2002

I saw a great movie this weekend. Bowling For Columbine by Micheal Moore.
It's one of those movies where everyone stays in the theatre lobby talking about it afterwards.
I highly recommend it. It is entertaining, surprising, shocking, informative, and controversial. Micheal Moore is now on my list. Maybe Marilyn Manson too. Everytime I see Marilyn Manson in an interview, or read something he wrote, I am impressed. "Moses" on the other hand...wow....you just have to see it for yourself. I wish there were more movies like this.
Derek and I have started working on a lot of projects. I am going to be posting pics here of the progress and Derek will be putting pics on spacemeat.
I have been studying algebra to upgrade for University Physics courses.(One of my projects that I will definitely NOT be posting pictures of)
We welded a table base this weekend. Derek worked on his mp3 player. Derek is making his own mp3 player. If I ever had any doubt that he was a geek before, I don't now.
I am very proud of my geek.
Anyway, I am not really in a writing mood today, so that's it for now. Later.

December 6th, 2002

Hello everyone. Just a quick update today. Today is errand and cleaning day so I don't have much time. I went to the UCFV this morning to talk to the Darren Guy in the Physics Department and I was thoroughly disappointed. He wasn't the least bit geeky, in fact he was quite normal, I might go so far as to say cool. But he is the administrator for all of the sciences and not the head of the physics department like I originally thought, so that explains it I guess. But even so, somebody who dresses that cool should not be allowed anywhere near the sciences area should they? I got a list of the books I need. Going to the bank this afternoon to get a mortgage to finance them. Holy Crap they are bloody expensive. I am going to try to find Quantum Mechanics for Dummies. I bet a Million bucks it exists. HA! It does exist!! (just checked) Right! You all owe me a million bucks and seeing as I now have 3.5 viewers that means I get 3 million. (the .5 is my dog and she is unemployed at the moment) Well, the dishes are calling, I will write more tomorrow. Later.

December 3rd, 2002

Bah Humbug! Hello Everyone. I Updated my sisters site again today. She still hasn't written a journal entry so I have taken it upon myself to journal for her.

Isn't that nice of me? (January 2003 update: Since this journal entry, my sis has actually written entries of her own. To see the entry that I refer to here you have to scroll to the bottom of my sisters blog page.)
Hey, I should start a journaling business for people who don't have time to journal.
You give me the brief details and I will write up a colourful and interesting journal entry for the low price of $29.99. If you buy 3 entries now you will also receive this set of 7 Ginsu knives, which you can thrust into yourself for being such a lameass that you can't even write your own journal.

I feel a change coming.
I think life is going to get very good for me soon. A lot of really good things are just happening for no apparent reason.
I found a giant perfect piece of plexiglass in a bush today.
It was exactly what I needed..... Just trust me it was.
I was going to buy one and then there is was in the bush outside, the exact right size. Like a gift from the Plexiglass God.
Also we may be getting a digital video camera!!
I have been thinking of a new idea recently. I have a friend Ailene whom I ride with occasionally. I want to start an all girl riding team with three members, kind of like the Three Stooges. Only on bikes. And Female. And in colour.
So far we are the only two.
We will be holding auditions for the third spot soon.
We will be sponsored by RM....probably ..... and maybe Race Face too. Anyway, with our camera we will be able to make cool bike videos with Disturbed playing in the background.
Also my jeans ripped. Which is a good thing because now I get to buy a new pair. Also, MIL responded to my e-mail!!! (things my girlfriend and I argue about)
He wrote something about how much he loves the forum topic "Quantum Physics, black holes yada yada" and how he loves my poetry and how he is going to dedicate a whole chapter of his next book to me and give me a grant of some 6 figure ammount to fund my blog writing.
But he didn't write in my forum. Sigh.
So all these great things are happening all at once. I don't know why, I guess the Karma wheel turned. Anyway, I am going to see the physics guy this week and UCFV. I wonder if he looks as geeky as he sounds on the phone? Of course he does! He is the head of the physics department.
Anyway, gotta run. Later

November 28th, 2002

I have finally created archives! I decided that this page was starting to get a bit longish so I moved everything over to the past life section.
Today I am going to register for next semester at UCFV. I am going to take some physics courses. I have found that my lack of knowledge in calculus and my inability to fully comprehend the superstring theory is becoming a serious hindrance in my journey to discover the theory of everything.
You know, I think some physicists made up the String Theory as a joke to make everyone feel really stupid. They were probably all stoned. Anyway, I'm off to the school. Later

November 27th, 2002

Sorry for not updating in a few days. My back has been getting worse again and I am a bit worried about it. I have my CT scan today.
I found a very cool site this morning. It's about Zen, meditation, living in Zero, that sort of thing and you know what? It actually works. It relaxes you and makes you think.
There are 2 episodes to go through. do-not-zzz and living in zero. For the second one click on zero at the bottom.
I went to a funeral yesterday. I saw a lot of people from my church going days (stopped going 6 years ago). I am so glad that I am not in that group of people anymore. They are like the shallow boring popular crowd in school, you never quite feel that you fit in and you somehow always feel that they are looking down their noses at you.
I thought a lot about dead people during the service. When people talk about going to heaven when they die they have their own preconceived ideas about what heaven will be like. Usually it is a beautiful place, unspoiled by pollution, riches for all, nobody wants for anything, angel choirs with harps yadda yadda yadda. This is a very lovely idea but there is one very serious flaw which shatters this idyllic image. Our perception of the universe is totally dependant on our physical bodies. Now I am not saying here that we will not exist after death, I don't know that. What I am saying is that, our ideas of heaven are based upon our own experiences of life tweaked into the most perfect scenario that we can imagine. But our experiences are gained through our senses. Our eyes pick up coloured light and translate this into a 3d image in our brain. Well our eyes and brains will be rotting in the earth. We are dependent on the mechanics of our body to perceive images the way we do. Same with sound. And touch. It's all the mechanics baby. So whatever comes after death, we wont see things, hear things or experience things the way we are used to. Also memory. Our memories will die with our brains. Same with our personalities. So if there is life after death it is like nothing we can possibly imagine.
Now personally I think there is. I think that all living things work on some kind of energy. With all the new information being discovered about the global consciousness (see September entries on coincidences and the oddities section for MIT experiments) I think that this energy is connected. The thing is I think that life after death has more to do with quantum physics than with religion. If we find out the theory of everything we will know what happens after death.

November 23rd, 2002

Hello Everyone!
I don't have long to update today because I am getting my hair cut! Yay! i had the brilliant idea a year ago to start growing it out again. It looked hideous so I am getting my betty page do again today, can't wait.
I haven't heard a word from either Mark or Mil but I did receive another response from Gord. (Hello Gord, thanks for replying to my e-mail but it would be really great if you would just click on that little forum link and comment in there, thanks)
He said something about wanting to marry me and give me all the money he makes on his new books and use my forums as the only venue for his writing and how cool he thought I was......He DID!
Alright alright he didn't okay? But he said "Hello" and that's pretty close if you ask me. You have to read between the lines you know.
Anyway, I have thought of my next targets. William Shatner and Wil Wheaton. I want them to have a debate in my forum. Actually I want them to record a promo for my site together. They are going to sing a duet of "Mr. Tambourine Man". I may have to get them both drunk first and that might be a tad tricky.
The other person is Anne Caroline Chauson. She is my hero. She is an amazing downhill racer who can kick the ass of almost every guy on the planet. I saw her once at Whistler at the top of a run, waiting. There I was, faced suddenly with the perfect opportunity to tell here my deepest feelings.
Just Me, Derek and Anne alone, for about 5 full minutes while I tried to work up my nerve. My heart was pounding, I wanted to reach out and touch her, tell her that she inspires me to try harder and believe in myself, that she is the ultimate roll model for so many women, I open my mouth and the only thing I can think to say is "Are you going or what?"
Daaaggghhhh! She humbly and meekly replied "oh errm I am waiting for the cameraman to tell me to go". Dumb dumb dumb dumb.
Anyway, I want her to visit my site and bless my forum. Just believe me folks, she is the greatest.
The last person is Thomas Homer Dixon. Everything that comes out of this mans mouth is pure genius. His writing is both brilliant and frightening.
Speaking of brilliant, one more person, Stephen Hawking. Those two people probably give me the most hope for the human race. Most of the people you meet in your daily wanderings, make you shake your head and wonder how we monkeys came so far and how we will ever get out of the mess we are in. There are only a few people who keep me from becoming a total misanthropist, Thom and Stevie are two of them.
I just noticed that my list is leaning towards people on my heros list and away from people whom I can piss off with an insulting e-mail, as this brilliant scheme started out being. Well the good news is William Shatner makes up for all the other people and Tao Te Cheese has graciously volunteered to be a recipient of an insulting e-mail.
When I come back, my thoughts on penny per page business model. Later.

November 20th, 2002....News Flash

It worked! I have been blessed by the Almighty Gord! I actually received a response! Can you believe it?
I did! Honest! I DID! He just sent it to my e-mail instead of posting it in the forum.
Okay, okay so my plan didn't totally work. But it half worked and a half working scheme is better than no scheme at all.
I also found out some devastating news. Apparently he doesn't have the store anymore. Luckily the legends still exist on the page for you to read and dream about a better world.
Now, a moment of silence.

November 20th, 2002

Morning everyone!
I have a terribly important announcement to make.
I have been informed that I now have 3.5 readers and not a mere 2.5. Wow I don't know if the server can handle the traffic.
Also an update on my ploy to get people with popular sites to comment in my forum:
I have sent off e-mails to Mil and Gord and a second one to Mark Prince. Incase you don't know what the hell I am talking about, please read journal entries on November 17th and 18th for details on my brilliant scheme.
I think 2 is the limit.
If a person doesn't respond after 2 of my incredibly cutting and brilliantly scathing e-mails they must be either illiterate or dead.
If you have any suggestions of people that you think I should send an e-mail to why don't you mention your ideas in my forum.
Aside from all that I received a really nice compliment from my friend Dak today. He called me wonderfully silly. It's nice to know that people laugh at what I write.
I am going to look for places today to show my paintings. I have started painting again recently and I have to get off my ass and do something about it. I think I am a bit cowardly when it comes to trying to promote my artwork. I don't want to be. Now I have put it in writing so I have to do it.
Also, I will be putting new photos up soon.
Well that's enough for now. Later.

November 19th, 2002

Just a quick update. I am making a blog site for my sister Cate.
Here it is.
I took the priveledge of writing her first journal entry for her. Wasn't that nice of me? (January 2003 update: Since this journal entry, my sis has actually written entries of her own. To see the entry that I refer to here you have to scroll to the bottom of my sisters blog page.)
Regarding the whole "son getting crushed by a shopping cart" thing. That refers to an incident that happened this weekend at a ribbon cutting ceremony at her husbands store. A lady fell with her shopping cart onto my 3 year old nephew.
Anyway, go check it out. later.

November 18th, 2002

Well, it seems like my little experiment is failing miserably. I haven't heard a single peep from Mark Prince. Not one comment in my forum and not one reply to my e-mail.
Never fear, I still think it's a good idea and I won't give up on it yet. I may be forced to write another, more insulting e-mail to Mark. Which is too bad because I read some of his personal site and he actually seems like a nice guy. But if he doesn't respond, what else can I do? You see, my hands are tied. I may have to insult his dog or something.
Which would be pretty easy actually.
You should see his dog.
This week I am going to write insulting e-mails to Mil, famous for "Things My Girlfriend And I Argue About" which I am sure you have all read, and Gord of "Acts of Gord". Mil should be pretty easy. All I really have to say is that my site features women with hairy armpits plus he has replied to a few of my e-mails before.
Those are two people who I would love to have comments from in my forum. The sites are hilarious and well worth the time to read. Anyway, that's it for now. Later.

November 17th, 2002

I just thought of a great idea! (btw Hi Mark Prince)As the numerous readers of my site (2.5 of them, the .5 is my dog)know, I have tried many times to encourage people to visit and comment in my forums. I have actually tried several devious schemes. Well, I have thought of another one. I had an epiphany while I was reading an article on coffeegeek.com.
The article was entitled, "Defining the God Shot" written by Mark Prince. It is about the perfect Espresso shot and the term "God Shot" which he claims to have coined. The site is pretty cool actually but the people who write articles are coffee snobs and the elitism displayed in their articles borders on humorous.
Please don't think I am being hypocritical here, I can definitely get snobby about things myself. I mean, I am an artist, of course I get snobby.
Anyway, back to my epiphany.
I thought of a great idea to lure more people to my site and 'inspire' them to comment in my forums. I am going to e-mail people with insulting e-mails (only people who are begging for an insulting e-mail) ending the e-mail with a statement like
"my site http://www.chargedmultimedia.com/exanimo/ is far superior to your site" thereby goading the e-mail recipient into visiting and commenting. Brilliant no?
Oh come on Mark Prince don't tell me it didn't work!
I have just completed Marks E-mail. I called him a "God Snob" in it. It was actually pretty funny, well for me, not for him that is. Oh, but after a few "God Shots" he will get over it. If any of you readers out there think this is a stupid idea why don't you comment on it in my forum? Okay, okay, so that was also just a ploy to get you to comment. Anyway, I gotta go. Watch out for comments from pissed off e-mail recipients coming soon to my forums. Later.

November 16th, 2002

It's Haiku time again people.
Derek an I took the dog out for a walk this morning and noticed that our window was down on the truck and the door was open. Oh yes, that's when that sinking feeling hits when you realize that something is terribly terribly wrong. Well some punk ass kid broke into our truck, broke the window and stole our stereo and insurance papers. We know he is a punk ass kid because he only took part of the stereo but without the other parts it wont work. So he proved himself an amateur idiot. So the image of that just pisses me off even more. You know exactly what this kid looks like. Probably between 16 and 23 years old, backwards baseball cap, droopy jeans with his underwear showing, vacant stare, and the IQ of an eraser. I am sure you all understand how I am feeling at this moment, that sort of worked up frustrated feeling when you have this visual image of one of the most loathsome creatures that walks the face of the planet, "The Punk Ass Kid", and you can visualize at least a dozen scenarios that involve you and the kid, alone, for half an hour, with a baseball bat, and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. Except, keep imagining, and keep getting worked up and keep feeling the rising frustration. So you see, I really have no choice. It's either write the Haiku or develop stomach ulcers. so here I go:

Haiku for "The Punk Ass Kid"

Punk ass crap for brains
please visit again tonight
don't look behind you
because you better believe I am going to be there to